Balancing life with Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAGs), like training for an Ironman triathlon, raising three active kids, working, maintaining a happy marriage, and staying physically and mentally healthy – is it an impossible combination?
As Dr. Paul Laursen says, context matters. I’m a mother, a wife, an expat, a coach, and I work for Athletica.ai. On top of that, I’m a lifelong athlete, training for my BHAG: the Ironman World Championships, a long-term personal sporting dream.
I’m writing this blog not to brag; “Hey look at me, I get it all done!” Quite contrary, combining BHAGs with life is incredibly difficult, and it gets messy.
The Myth of Balance
Time is our most precious resource. While we may seek balance when taking on big challenges, I’m here to say: “Forget about balance!”
The idea of achieving perfect balance is a myth. Chasing balance often leads to more stress because it sets an unrealistic standard. Life is inherently dynamic and unpredictable. Trying to evenly distribute our time and energy across all areas of life can lead to a pressure cooker situation. Instead, focusing on what truly matters at any given moment allows for greater flexibility and effectiveness.
I’ve coached busy people with high-stake jobs, families, active social lives, and big sporting goals. Burnout often knocks on their doors. They are passionate about their BHAGs, but I remind them to stop chasing balance—it’s like fine sand slipping through our fingers.
We can push through a lot, but eventually, stress (mental, emotional, physical, environmental) will catch up with us. We all experience stress, but people respond to it differently. Stress can come from real events like natural disasters, fights with spouses, emotional concerns like, “Are my kids spending too much time in front of a screen?”, and environmental stress like heat, or poor air quality. Training adds to the physical stress.
Normally, we manage well with our coping mechanisms. However, repeated or prolonged stress leads to a physiological response, and left unaddressed, can lead to health issues. It is crucial you recognize when you are about to boil over and bring it back to a nice controlled simmer.
Understanding Stress and Its Impact
The body seeks balance (homeostasis) through the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis. The SNS provides short-term responses by releasing adrenaline and noradrenaline. The HPA axis reacts more slowly but lasts longer by releasing cortisol, one of our stress hormones, which signals release of extra energy. While cortisol helps prepare us for big events, it often gets a bad reputation. Dr. Laursen co-wrote a classic article about how prolonged stress can lead to a whole host of health issues, in “Athletes-Fit but Unhealthy”.
Dr. Sarah McKay’s book “Demystifying the Female Brain” highlights sex differences in stress responses, suggesting depression is a stress-related disorder. She uses the analogy that nature loads the bullet, and stress fires the depression gun. If you have women in your life—wife, daughter, mother, or athlete—recognize they may react to stress differently. Offering support, reducing training load, or just being there can help them achieve their goals.
Managing Stress: An IronMom’s System
Stop chasing balance. Instead, have systems in place to keep the soup of life from boiling over. A system that connects to your unique core values and prioritizes them for a certain time frame.
This is how I do it. Firstly, I think of all the important aspects of my life as different delicious dishes I’m cooking on a stove. I reflect on my core values and pick the top five. Then I rearrange them by priority at the moment and for the next six months or so. The most important, The North Star(s), are on the front burners – my non-negotiables. For me at this very moment are family and training. The mid burner belongs to work (I could also call it Self-Actualization), and the rest are at the back.
Eliud Kipchoge once said, “The most important vitamin is Vitamin No”. Practice saying “No” to maintain focus. Otherwise you’ll be running around like a headless chicken.
To make this system work, you’ve got to prioritize and be quite deliberate about what you put on your front burners. How you prioritize is up to you, of course, but you can only have two things on the front.
As with any great chef to support your cooking, you need to have your sous-chefs ready at hand. Here are my top five support systems:
- Spousal Approval: Ensure alignment with your partner-in-life before committing to big goals. Your partner and kids need to be ok to pick up the slack at home, and I also advise you to let your boss know what you’re up to outside of work.
- Create a to-NOT-do list: Delegate, automate, or delete tasks. You can’t be everything for everyone. Training Plan? No stress, I’ve automated it with Athletica!
- Morning routine: Set your head straight with HRV, coffee, meditation, and Me-time. Your morning routine may look a little different from mine. You do you.
- Habit stack: Combine enjoyable activities like podcasts/meetings/calls/social life and workouts. I’m writing this blog while on my bike trainer. Coffee in the shower, anyone?
- Flexible mindset and training program: Adapt to life’s demands without sacrificing training. Athletica checks the box. Also be flexible in your mindset to change training plans when needed. Hot take: almost any training plan “works” if you can stick to it consistently. If you’re time poor, use Athletica’s Workout Wizard. Sticking to a training plan without listening to your mind and body can lead to burnout and overtraining. The art of training is having a flexible mindset as much as a training plan that adapts to you.
- Cultivate resilience: Use a “S&%t Shield” mindset to stay calm. “S&%t Shield” is like a Teflon coating that allows stressors to slip like sand through your fingers. When you’ve cooked yourself a little too hot, trust your shield, listen to your body and mind, and turn down the heat. Keep going.
Life’s Ebbs and Flows
Life’s ebbs and flows are beautiful because, after all the downs, there will be an up. It’s all part of the challenge. Reminding yourself that things aren’t perfect, and that’s okay, too. And remember, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.
Combining big goals with life is challenging, but the effort is always worth it as you cross that finish line! With the right support network and mindset, you can achieve your BHAG and keep your family and sanity intact. For more practical tips, follow me on socials or book a call with me.
Coach MJ